I have over two hundred pounds of German shepherd lying under my feet right now. And, as far as I can tell, their core function in life is to cover the house in dog hair, emit odours and annoy the crap out of me. But for all their lack of usefulness, they do have one unnatural, some might say, magical abilities.
Me: Trying to make the bed.
Dog One and Two: Rush into the bedroom and throw themselves onto the floor and not move, even if it means getting stepped on as I walk around the bed. Then groan and make irritated sounds.
Me: Pouring myself a cup of coffee.
Dog One: Roll onto her back and wave all four legs in the air.
Dog Two: Snore, spread out until she looks like a puddle of goo in the middle of the floor. Have dream where she’s woofing and her feet twitch.
Me: Go to the bathroom to do my business.
Dog One and Two: Wander in and sit in front me, push each other as they try to position their heads on my lap for optimal petting position. Look at me with hopeful adoring eyes.
Me: Yell at dogs (and cat) to get the hell out of the bathroom and leave me alone and why can’t I have just one minute of peace without having to smell their foul stench for fuck sakes!!!
Me: Applying makeup and taping false eyelashes on.
Dog One and Two: Move to their beds and take up positions for a long sleep. Snore, fart, groan, fart some more. Dream whimper and twitch.
Me: Lying on the couch and reading, then thinking to myself, after I’m done this chapter I’d better get ready to go outside and get a few kilometers in.
Dog One and Two: Jump up from their positions beside the couch, prance around the house in muted excitement and start whinging. Pant, lick my arms, legs and take turns sticking a wet nose into my ear until I yell at them to get the hell away from me.
My question, how do they know? It isn’t even as if I say it out loud. And it isn’t a specific time of the day. I can just be sitting/lying/standing doing something completely unrelated and think of going for a walk, and they just know. It’s like telepathy or magic or something supernatural. It’s eerie and uncanny.
(Hubby says the only thing eerie and uncanny about this blog entry is where I wrote that I tape false eyelashes on and apply makeup.
Me: What do you mean? I totally could be a person who wears makeup and false eyelashes.
Hubby: When you say shit like, “tape eyelashes on,” no one is going to believe that you wear them.
Me: Well if you’re so smart, how the hell do people attach those things then? It’s not like you staple them, or crazy glue them, or stitch them onto your face. I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to tape them.
Hubby: That doesn’t sound right. I don’t think they make duct tape small enough for that kind of stuff?
Me: You don’t use fucking duct tape!
Hubby: Oh yeah, how do you know? I bet it is duct tape. You can use that shit for ANYTHING! Didn’t I just fix the bird feeder with it?
Notice how neither of us has a clue, but we’re too lazy to actually Google the answer and the argument has completely gone off the rails. The next step will be how he’ll want to show me that you can build a house using only duct tape or sail around the world in a boat where the sails are made with it, and my brain will tune out his words and all I’ll hear is Charlie Brown’s teacher saying, “Waaah, waaah, waaah, waaah—waaah.” So, what was the point of this blog again?)