Telemarketer: Hello, can I speak with Gabraveda, please?
Me: There’s no one of that name here.
Telemarketer: Are you the lady of the house?
Me: Some people might call me a lady, some may not.
Telemarketer: Um…does that mean you’re the lady of the house?
Me: Sure, why not. What do you want?
Telemarketer: It looks like your household has recently purchased a breast pump…
Me: You have the wrong number.
Telemarketer: …from Ameda…
Me: Listen, I can promise you that no one in this house has purchased a breast pump, recently, or in the distant passages of time.
Telemarketer: But, Mrs…my records indicate…
Me: Hang on. Hubby? Have you recently purchased a breast pump?
Hubby: What’s a breast pump? (He wiggles his eyebrows.) It sounds interesting.
Me: It’s this suction thing a woman sticks onto her nipples and milks herself so she can sometimes sleep more than fifteen seconds at a stretch.
Hubby: Seriously? (Makes a, EWWWW face, then puts his hands protectively over his nipples.) That doesn’t sound even a little bit interesting.
Me: I have taken an extensive survey of all household humans and can without a doubt tell you that no one here has ever purchased a breast pump. Recently or otherwise.
Telemarketer: I see. Would you be interested in information about a Bugaboo Chameleon Canvas baby carrier?
Me: Can it carry a lot of wood?
Telemarketer: Um…it’s for babies.
Me: Babies who can pack wood?
Me: I’d also be open to babies who can clean chicken coops. Or better yet, a baby that can help me with the hard chapter I’m stuck on. Someone I can bounce ideas off who won’t shit their pants or barf Pablum onto my laptop.
Telemarketer: Is there someone else there I can speak with?
Me: Sure, would you like to speak to the Mr. of the house?
Telemarketer: Does he need a baby carrier?
Me: Only if it’ll help him change tires.
Telemarketer: Well, thank you for your time, Mrs.
Me: No problem. Call back when you’ve invented something that can make babies really good copy editors. Or even if your company has invented a telemarketing machine that doesn’t refer to the lady of the house as Mrs.