Telemarketer: Hello, can I speak with Gabraveda, please?

Me: There’s no one of that name here.

Telemarketer: Are you the lady of the house?

Me: Some people might call me a lady, some may not.

Telemarketer: Um…does that mean you’re the lady of the house?

Me: Sure, why not. What do you want?

Telemarketer: It looks like your household has recently purchased a breast pump…

Me: You have the wrong number.

Telemarketer: …from Ameda…

Me: Listen, I can promise you that no one in this house has purchased a breast pump, recently, or in the distant passages of time.

Telemarketer: But, Mrs…my records indicate…

Me: Hang on. Hubby? Have you recently purchased a breast pump?

Hubby: What’s a breast pump? (He wiggles his eyebrows.) It sounds interesting.

Me: It’s this suction thing a woman sticks onto her nipples and milks herself so she can sometimes sleep more than fifteen seconds at a stretch.

Hubby: Seriously? (Makes a, EWWWW face, then puts his hands protectively over his nipples.) That doesn’t sound even a little bit interesting.

Me: I have taken an extensive survey of all household humans and can without a doubt tell you that no one here has ever purchased a breast pump. Recently or otherwise.

Telemarketer: I see. Would you be interested in information about a Bugaboo Chameleon Canvas baby carrier?

Me: Can it carry a lot of wood?

Telemarketer: Um…it’s for babies.

Me: Babies who can pack wood?

Telemarketer:

Me: I’d also be open to babies who can clean chicken coops. Or better yet, a baby that can help me with the hard chapter I’m stuck on. Someone I can bounce ideas off who won’t shit their pants or barf Pablum onto my laptop.

Telemarketer: Is there someone else there I can speak with?

Me: Sure, would you like to speak to the Mr. of the house?

Telemarketer: Does he need a baby carrier?

Me: Only if it’ll help him change tires.

Telemarketer: Well, thank you for your time, Mrs.

Me: No problem. Call back when you’ve invented something that can make babies really good copy editors. Or even if your company has invented a telemarketing machine that doesn’t refer to the lady of the house as Mrs.

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